I woke one morning and felt a deep and passionate love for my life. I had my house, a dog, a car, a career , prada shoes, gucci handbags, loyal friends, and a very active social life and as I sipped on my deliciously sweet tea, I felt content.
I didn't realize that something was missing and deep within myself I was yearning for it. I had covered this feeling over for many years and I would only let it out when I had fed it with a healthy dose of Pinot. I was missing love.
I was days away from marrying someone. Forcing myself to love my husband to be. Digging so deep to find something to love in him. For work reasons.. ( or at least thats how I phrased it) we didn't live together. After paying for the wedding We would of bought a house in the big smoke. We led so very different lives and not that I was ever unfaithful but I would often forget of his existence. How awful is that. I mean.. I am about to commit my whole life to this man and I shudder at the thought of spending the weekend with him. With a week to go before the big day, I called it off. That was it. He was gone.
I tumbled along with my life and I woke most mornings with a smile but there was still that emptiness. An emptiness I refused to acknowledge.
In my old job, they used twitter to communicate within teams. I had an account but it was strictly work soI decided to open a personal one. I had little followers and often used to tweet about all kinds of shite. By shite I mean utter shite... I would tweet each morning if I liked the tea my housemate had made me. It was like talking to yourself and it didn't matter if anyone heard. Perfect for my crazy world.
When I least expected it.. He appeared. On the mornings that my hangover was almost to much to bear... one eye would glaze over his time line and a small smile would creep across my face. I plucked up the courage one Sunday morning to reply to him. To my surprise, he replied back. I treasured that reply.
From the moment we made contact, my life started to change. Over a period of months I packed up my old life in boxes, sealed them shut and put them out on bin day.
Without thinking about it, I said adiós to one life and embarked on a new one. I went from having everything, to having fuck all. The confident girl that once strutted her stuff down oxford street in killer heels was now washing her clothes in the bath. It was when I was singing my heart out whilst washing my knickers it dawned on me. 'I don't have a bloody pot to piss in but bugger me am I happy' All because of one man. He was the missing piece.
I love everything about him, I love the way his eyes meet mine and lock together. I love the way his lips form perfect lines. I love the way he holds my hand and tells me everything will work out.
Some might say I have paid a high price for my man. I gave up everything to be with him and thought nothing of it.
Now, I would be telling fibs if I said I didn't miss my old life. I often can get forlorn at old memories, but then I look at him, I feel his soft skin against mine and those feelings of sadness slip far away.
I don't think he will ever know how thankful I am to him, he may never understand how he makes me weak by smiling and how he has taught me how to love.
In the words of my dearest friend.. 'you may have lost a life my girl, but you have been taught life's most valuable lesson - How to love oneself and how to be loved'
I hope everyone, however old or young gets to learn this precious lesson.
Ciao for now
A x
